We’re in Miami, b*tch! I mean, we were in Miami, but you get the point. But why were the sissy and I in Miami you ask? Because we wanted to be! No explanation necessary, right? 

During our little girl’s trip to Miami, we (my high school friend included) decided to stay at the trendy and very recommended 1 Hotel in South Beach, Miami. Usually, a single night at the hotel costs $1000 dollars, but because I’m a thrifty betch, I kept checking back on the rates of the hotel room until the rooms were on sale. Then… boom! Post-fourth-of-July rates came in hot and we found ourselves with a tight deal! We were able to snag the rooms at only $250 per night, for three people. I mean, that’s a pretty dope deal, right? 

Buttttttt, despite the hotel being amazingly trendy (Kim Kardashian’s BFF Jonathan Cheban was there during our stay 💁🏼‍♀️) and known for being V eco-friendly, I wish I had better things to say about it. I almost feel like they knew we rented the hotel on discount because everything we experienced at the hotel was lowkey shitty? 

For starters, they said they “upgraded” our room from the king suite to a studio suite. However, although the room they gave us was bigger, it was less like a hotel room and more like an awkward studio apartment. It had a literal kitchen in it. So weird. Also, the shower in the hotel was broken, so water leaked from the shower all day and allllllll night. It literally sounded like some weird guy was nonstop peeing right next to us. 

Not to be royal #debbiedowners, but we also realized there was a major lack of vegan options at the plethora of hotel restaurants. No offense, but for a hotel being so “eco-friendly,” you really would expect it to have a butt-load of vegan options. That was unfortunately  far from the truth. The hotel had only one or two vegan options per restaurant and half of those options were the same avocado toast offered on all the menus. SO LAME!!! 

But, on a tiny positive note, the mini-bar did have a fair share of vegan snack options such as nutritional yeast popcorn and dark chocolate quinoa puffs, so 1 point for the 1 hotel there. 

Ok, let’s go back to the food. So the hotel had a million restaurants within it (which were all lowkey the same??), but they offered slightly varied menus at each one, so I’ll break down what we got from each. 

PLNTHOUSE 

This restaurant was the cutest and vibiest poolside cafe on the property. They served a multitude of smoothies, juices, and cold food items. Not to mention, the vibes were really zen and the place was hella air-conditioned, which was a bonus because it was HOT AS BALLS in Miami.

Anyway, I got the acai bowl for breakfast, which was basically a few scoops of acai sorbet drizzled with almond butter, granola, and berries. It was really good! I would have preferred a freshly blended acai base, but the sorbet wasn’t bad. But, what really made the bowl was the nut butter drizzle and granola on top. So delicious. I should probably mention that the granola had honey in it, so if you don’t eat honey, I’m not sure how worth it the bowl would be. 

I also got an almond milk latte, which was lowkey bad (how do you f*ck up an iced almond latte??) and was given to me in a recyclable plastic cup. Why not just give it to me in a normal cup that they can wash and reuse again after? Isn’t that more eco-friendly than a cup I have to throw away? Maybe they were just assuming people would bring the drinks out to the pool, but isn’t that the point of asking if I was eating there or taking the food to go? 

Bella also got a veggie sushi roll and fries. She said both were mediocre. 

ROOM SERVICE

They had a few vegan room service options, but the only one I got the chance to try was the avocado toast. Surprisingly, it was actually amazing! It might have helped that I was literally starving when I ate it, but I honestly still recommend it. The bread was yummy. The avo was spread generously and the tomatoes were very fresh and tasty.  I would, though, recommend you order it with a slice of lemon to squeeze on top of it for maximum tastiness. 

NEIGHBORS

Neighbors was a little juice bar in the lobby of the hotel. We didn’t get anything from here during our stay, but the picture below suggests plenty of vegan options. They had a wide array of smoothies, juices, fresh coconuts, and a garden salad. But again, for a juice bar in an eco-friendly hotel, you would think they could get more creative with the vegan options than a freaking garden salad. 

THE SANDBOX

This was the restaurant/bar by the central pool in the hotel (yes, the hotel had four freaking pools).

Again, the 1 Hotel was quick to disappoint once again with a huge lack of vegan options. We ended up just getting french fries and a fruit bowl, which were both mediocre. 

HOWEVER… The Sandbox did have the best edible item in the entire hotel: vegan Frosé and Piña Coladas from our favorite slushie company, Kelvin Slush Co. We had this company’s slushies at the Smorgasburg in Brooklyn a few years ago and were instantly obsessed with the brand. Bella was so obsessed, she literally had four Piña Coladas during our three-day vacation. Not to mention, July 10th was national Piña Colada day, so I guess her cravings aligned with the universe’s schedule. 

HABITAT

Last, but not least, the worst restaurant of them all: Habitat. My sister, friend Allie, and I were sooooo disapointed with this place. They listed the only vegan menu item as “The Impossible Burger,” so we ordered three Impossible burgers, excited to have an Impossible Burger because I literally am obsessed with Impossible Burgers.

LO AND F*CKING BEHOLD, they ended up serving us the worst cooked BEYOND BURGER (yes, not the Impossible, you read that right). I was 3/4 way through eating the burger before I realized what I was eating and, by that point, it was too late. The Beyond patty was swirling around in my stomach. 

For those of you who don’t know, Beyond Burgers make me feel really sick, so I was pissed that they falsely advertised that shit!! Also we paid $17 dollars for a freaking Beyond Burger!!! If the menu said it was a Beyond Burger, I would have never ordered it.

So anyway, yeah, there you have it. The 1 Hotel South Beach is not as eco-friendly as they appear and their vegan options kind of suck a nut. But… the three of us still had the BEST time in Miami and created memories for a lifetime, so #noregets.